Have an affair*
I wrote a post the other day about marriage and affairs, poking shit at a bloke in particular who'd made the claim that screwing around "saved his marriage", because he obviously wasn't getting enough action at home and needed the excitement of rooting some slapper.
It must be the season for stupidity, because I now see that the idea is catching on for happily married people to have a bit on the side. At least it's frequently women who are doing it, according to the article, so the balance is getting a bit better - it's just unfortunate for them that casual sex isn't actually liberating.
I think the disconnect comes down to what a successful and happy marriage actually is.
The people the article talks about will be couples who don't fight over how far the door is left open, or whether the seat is left up, and who do talk to each other a bit, enjoy being in each other's company, and are "friends". They probably have sex occasionally, too. Those people would easily self-report as "happily married". They give their kids a stable and happy home and feel they have it sorted.
So, what is missing is obviously the excitement, the thrill of the chase, the illicit nature of the affair itself. In other words, the rush - the adrenaline; the sudden release of those hormones that make you go "Wow!"
Or, as I'd put it, it's people who aren't prepared to go the extra mile and put the rush, excitement and the fun into their own married sex lives.
I suppose it's an example of how lazy we become - familiarity breeds contempt and all that. Happily married couples take themselves and their marriage for granted. Instead of spending a little time and even less money on getting that excitement back, they'd just as soon seek someone else to start a potential end to their supposedly happy marriage. That makes no kind of sense.
Just think of all the planning and secrecy that goes into having an affair. If people were prepared to put a lousy 10% of that time into planning and generating excitement within their marriage, they wouldn't want an affair and could be out fishing in that extra time they're not wasting.
Why do you think 50 Shades of Grey sells so many copies? Why was Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus sold in the tens of millions 30 years ago? Women want fun and spice - is that so abnormal?
This does not mean you should handcuff your wife to the downpipe in the garage next time you get horny, but you might discover that she'd quite like to be handcuffed to the bed and massaged with rose petals while being spoon-fed Drambuie. Or, she might like to handcuff you!
Take the time to find out. A simple first action would be read the damn book after her and bring up a few subjects: "Cor, that scene where ........... tied up ................ and spanked him/her with a slipper was bloody excellent, eh?"
How hard is that? Even better, how hard will it be if you find one that hits the jackpot? When she/he goes red and stutters that it seems like an interesting idea? Pretty hard if you play your cards right.
The worst part about idiotic advice like that given at Slate is that it isn't going to work, because it's not even slightly new. Married couples since the 1960s have been trying this kind of thing off and on - open marriages, polyamory etc - and while there are a very few cases of it working out, it's about as likely as your next affair being with Taylor Swift.
Think about it for a second - what is an affair really giving you? A guilty conscience? Experience in getting rid of lipstick smears? Unless you're barking mad, condoms will be part of the plan, and that alone should be enough reason not to. Why have sex with a piece of plastic when you can have it with live flesh and blood and .... mmmmm.
Sorry, but I hope you get my point.
If you put a little bit of effort in, husband and wife sex will be more satisfying, more adventurous, more outright fun, and above all, infinitely safer, than sex with someone else.
Throw away that advice that says affairs are ok, cancel your subscription to Tinder and Ashley Madison and have an affair*
*with your wife/husband
Copyright © Alan Charman