Marriage
There I was, just about to get all serious and write a column about the darker side of life, the TV happened to have one of rare visits to the "on" button, when along comes a story about the win-a-wife competition.
What a great concept. Around 60% of marriages end in divorce, so we certainly need to change something.
A change to winning your wife would give you at least a slim chance of a successful marriage, as when choosing for ourselves, we get it wrong three times out of every five!
Let's therefore institute a system a little like India's arranged marriages, but instead of having partners chosen by parents, we'll let computers do the work.
We already have case studies, too: weirdos who are incapable of finding a woman by any normal means get themselves Philippine mail order brides – which is a bit like winning one. Most of them stay married, and not just because the guy knows damn well he’s never going to laid anywhere else - mainly because the Philippino chick is shit scared of being deported if she gives him the flick.
Just think, you could grade people into like types and let the computer do it all. e.g. let the fat chicks have all the fat guys, they’re guaranteed to have something in common – food. Fit with fit to be each other's training partner, smoker with smoker, gambler with gambler, vegan with vegan, atheist with atheist.
All geeks could happily draw each other’s details over the Internet. Please try not to ejaculate on the keyboard. In fact geeks don’t come into it, because they are already in the chat rooms making virtual love to each other.
Bodybuilders, models and all other narcissistic, up themselves types could happily build houses with double the number of mirrors, bathroom power points etc, and just stick with themselves.
It would solve all those tricky social situations where you are trying to figure out if the neatly dressed, single 40 year old is a poofter. Under this scheme, if he’s single, he’s bent.
You would always know which chicks were dykes, avoiding an even more embarrassing social faux pas.
If you were turned on by, say, really hairy chicks, you could secretly request one, then just tell everyone it was a computer cockup!
If you were having an argument, neither of you would be able to bring up those old memories, you know, the "you used to take me out/bring me flowers/root me/make me breakfast in bed, when we were going out" and "you never used to fart in bed when we were going out". Even better, you’d never hear the old chestnuts "You never used to spend all your time with your mates/at golf/drinking piss/looking at other women" They wouldn’t be able to say those things because they never knew you in those years!
Prior to getting married, life would be much easier too, as neither chicks nor blokes would be looking for a serious relationship, there being no point, so it would be straight to the bedroom, with no questions asked.
Just think of the couples who would not have gotten married under this brave new scheme – Helen Clark and Peter Davis, Charles and Diana, Bill and Hillary Clinton, Rachel Hunter and Rod Stewart, Ike and Tina Turner.
Think about it some more, there are thousands of couples without whom the world would be a richer place, and few who enrich it. Try and think of some of those; all I can come up with is David and Naomi Lange, no hang on; they got divorced! How about Jim and Joan Bolger – what a horrible thought.
In-Laws. There is a phrase to send a shudder though the heart of a lion. Hands up everyone who gets on with their in-laws………… mmmmmm……… no? None, as expected. There we go, one more problem solved. You can just tell the old cow/trout/bag to get stuffed, you don’t want to know her and the computer didn’t say anything about getting on with her/him/them.
As I see no reasons for not proceeding to make this plan law, this proposal will be put into place from 1 January 2015. Draws for all rampant, gorgeous, huge-hootered, absolute goddesses will be made on the basis of those with the biggest bribes will get those with the biggest tits, so unless you’re filthy rich, or like chicks with little tits, don’t bother submitting a request for the first round.
Copyright © Alan Charman