2007 - Helen Clark Announces Stiff New Measures
In parliament today, Helen Clark has succeeded in bringing together the Green, United Future and Progressive Coalition parties in committing 100% support to a bold initiative introduced by the Labour Cabinet.
Over the last eight years, aside from gaming taxes, the excise duty received by government coffers from all forms of "entertainment and enjoyment" spending by New Zealanders has fallen by 17.4%.
Lesser spending on alcohol, cigarettes and cinema has only partially been off-set by increases in restaurant and tourist spending. While increased spending on luxury consumer goods has increased government income through GST, the spending of excise taxes should be directed solely towards social engineering said Ms Clark, responding to questioning of why the government is looking at new taxes in a time of record surpluses.
Helen Clark then went on to describe how the vision of the future had been discussed in cabinet, agreed upon and then discussed in depth with all three minor parties to gauge their support. She stated that ....."all three leaders have expressed strong desire to be part of a movement to create the most exciting social change ever seen in New Zealand, Michael Joseph Savage's included."
She described how all moneys received from excise on luxury and pleasure pastimes of New Zealanders would be used. Some of the key elements were:
Provision of a guaranteed "safety net" for New Zealanders, literally meaning that the government would contract with its citizens to provide housing and support for those unable to care for themselves, or pay their own way in society.
Dysfunctional families where violence had occurred would be offered the chance to live and be guided in one of several "Time Out/Retreat" style villages to be built in Queenstown, Taupo, Russell and Napier. Families utilising these facilities will have 24 hour supervision as they try to break the cycle of domestic violence.
Paid holidays will be arranged for the bottom 2% of Socio-Economic ranking. Helen Clark commented "It should be every New Zealand child's right to take a holiday. Some children in this country have never seen a zoological park, a motorway or a dairy cow. We intend to help change that."
A new school subject would be introduced, to start from year five, running through the last two years of primary school, both years of intermediate and the first two years of secondary education. Entitled BRANZ (Becoming A Responsible New Zealander) the course will teach self-responsibility, tolerance and respect for all people in a "sharing" environment. It will give feminist, family values, homosexual, green, liberal and social education. The teaching positions will be available on a part-time basis to child psychologists.
Smoking will be banned in all private buildings of any kind as the most recent research has shown that even cows in a cowshed may suffer the effects of the farmer's rollie during milking. Smoking will also become illegal in any moving conveyance in which there is more than one person. While outdoors remains the last bastion of smokers, those office-door smokos may be on the way out as smoking cigarettes will become illegal within 20m of any non-smoker, child or pregnant woman.
At this stage, the leaders of each of the minor parties was given a chance to express their and their caucus' views on the new taxes.
Peter Dunne very briefly told the press conference that "United Future New Zealand is firmly committed to this proposal and feels that it is virtually the embodiment of what we as Christians see as the future for New Zealand"
Jeanette Fitzsimons stated... "the caucus has agreed, unanimously of course, that the education of young New Zealanders on what really matters in life is of paramount importance, hence our complete confidence in these brave new measures. Helen's further efforts to outlaw the demons of the tobacco industry have only increased our desire to be part of her brave new world."
Jim Anderton then stood sombrely and recounted how families in his electorate will benefit from the measures. Wiping a tear from his eye as he recounted the present-less christmas of a beneficiary's child in his electorate because her father spent it all on "P" the week before, he implored everyone to get behind this new bill.
Later in the conference Helen Clark announced the actual excise levels as these will be in addition to all existing taxes:
Cigarettes and alcohol 10% In addition, wines costing over $10 per bottle will be taxed an extra 25%
Petrol, diesel and automotive spirits will be taxed at 20% after deduction for essential motoring.
Video and DVD hire and cinema tickets will at taxed at 15%
Restaurant meals costing above $16 per person will attract a 30% tax. (Heckling from National Party members at this stage suggesting that the most expensive meal at Burger King, MacDonald's and KFC was $15-95 was quickly shouted down by the large multi-party contingent supporting the moves.)
A long list of other items was produced showing taxes between 10% (Theme parks etc.) to a whopping 175% (Parapenting, hang-gliding and other dangerous pursuits)
Helen Clark saved the biggest new challenge till last, specifying that from 1st of next month, a sex tax would also be introduced.
A variety of means were used to find a cost and submissions from prostitutes, clergy, psychologists and social workers were all taken into account.
Ms Clark said "Given that men are quite happy to go out and pay a prostitute up to $150 for sex, notwithstanding the fact that most of these men are married anyway, it only seems fair that for a few minutes of pleasure (Hisses, boos and cries of "hours" were heard from opponents at this stage) that people should pay $10 to the government for lawful sex with a regular sexual partner.
"For extra-partnership sex, the partnered person, or both if both are partnered, will be liable for a payment of an extra $50 in tax for each act. For the purposes of this Act, a "sex act" shall include oral, but not manual means of achieving orgasm. People who are able to stimulate themselves orally will be exempt..
"People indulging in sex more than once a day, or with more than two partners in any seven day period will attract an additional tax of $50 per sex act.
"Couples will be allowed sex free once weekly, and will be able to buy coupons for additional sex.
"In addition to the outright "sex act" tax, there will be additional charges on men according to their penis size.
"Since men are most used to Imperial measurement of their reproductive organs, we have taken the unusual step of using of them in this legislation.
"All men will be taxed at the flat rate of $100 per annum per inch, or part thereof. A certification will be added to male driving licences showing their tax rate".
The conference ended in uproar as attempts were made to revive a comatose Winston Peters who was heard to mutter in a rage just before his collapse..."No way am I paying that bitch 900 bucks a year!"
Copyright © Alan Charman